Today I’m sharing a bit about how I am 

Receiving my next level, and what it can look and feel like 

To say YES to honoring yourself enough to keep growing, 

Learning, and living FULL OUT.

 

I’m sharing this because all of us feel called

Sometimes guided, pulled even, to discover

The next thing, our next evolution, the next

Chapter of ourselves and our lives that

We have yet to live into.

 

I know many women who are terrified of

Whatever lies beyond what they currently know.

And I want to remind all of us, myself included,

That the fear is real and normal, too.

 

Our egos want predictability, safety, and comfort.

Our souls yearn for adventure, uncertainty, and the

Freedom to be wild and expressed and alive.

And so, we must become adept at listening to both and

Taking a stand for the life we dream of living.

 

My next level scares the crap out of me.

Not because it feels impossible – it isn’t.

But because it is a stretch for me and

A lot of my fears about where I’m headed

Like to whisper in my ear and tell me to stop.

They tell me to seek safety and stay comfortable

Which I’ve come to learn is code for “stay still”. 

 

I am not one to stay still.

But I honestly sometimes question if 

What I desire is even possible.

And if along the way I will say NO to things 

That are good, great even,

In my search for something that I might not find.

 

That’s my scariest thought –

That I might be delusional.

I know I’m not, but this is

What fear can do. Make us doubt

And wobble and consider throwing it 

All away for the sake of that certainty, safety, and comfort

Our fearful parts want us to cling to.

 

What I know to be true is that this is my one precious life as Alicia.

 

She’s had A LOT of shit to wade and work and fight through.

She feels proud of herself 

Because she’s gone all in and given her all.

She has honestly DONE the work.

 

And so, she is… I AM ready for an entirely new gig.

A new level.

A life that has nothing to do with fighting or clawing my way 

Through yet another horror story or trauma or layer of 

Denial that must be faced, felt, and dealt with.

 

Although it sounds crazy 

Handling drama and trauma used to be

So normal for me.

Pivoting away from something I’ve known 

So well and can navigate with ease

Has felt disorienting.

 

I’ve been surprised by the grief that has

Risen inside of me because I’ve chosen

To walk away from circumstances that

Were so toxic, yet familiar.

From beliefs that kept me “safe” and 

Small and stagnant.

 

But where I am and where I’m going 

I no longer have to live in the pain I knew so well.

Where I’m going there is honesty instead of denial.

Where I’m being called I get to be in a glorious dance

With life and no longer question

Myself and what I know in my bones to be true.

 

You see, in the past I tried on a million different ways

Of tamping down who I really am 

And what I cared about and all that I yearned for.

Through all the ways I tried to hide and make things

Even more difficult for myself

A core truth inside of me endured.

 

Even when death came calling

And I teetered between here and there

I chose to stay because I caught a glimpse of 

The new life that could be possible for me.

 

I chose to stay which meant living through

Seemingly endless days of grueling devotion

To stay the course and make the changes and

Take the stand for a future that was glimpsed

But never promised.

 

And now that my energy is returning and my health

Is more stable than it’s been in years

I am here to live into that knowing that kept 

Me here. That calling that I am following to this day.

 

I am choosing to trust and walk towards

Something more, something bigger,

Something that reflects the breadth and

Depth of my experience and wisdom,

My desires and gifts.

Even when it scares the ever-loving pants off me.

 

From where I stand today I understand

That this is not a dress rehearsal.

I GET TO do this thing called life.

And damn it all if I’m going to 

Stay still or shrink

Or settle for less now.

 

I am going to really LIVE.

 

When it comes to really living, I turn 

To the things that bring me joy.

Art and movement, cooking and sex, 

And anything that conjures deep fits of laughter 

Until tears stream down my face.

 

I am a HELL YES to all of that!

And also sequins and glitter, a gorgeous view,

Precious moments with loved ones and time in nature,

And all the things that make me gasp 

In wonder and delight.

 

When it comes to really living I also go to my desires.

Those longings that at times feel all consuming.

The yearning that feels scary to admit because what if…

The hunger that feels so powerful it whips up a maelstrom of

Naysayer voices that try to cripple the courage it took

To feel and hold the want to begin with.

 

The truth that I share with you today is that I am 

A wholehearted, whole-bodied, one million percent

YES to all things extraordinary.

I am not, and have never been, one to aim for normal.

I am a force. Have always been.

This is just a truth about me that is as clear 

As the blond hair on my head.

 

I am here to play a different game.

Not something that’s unicorns and rainbows all the time.

I know better than to believe in or honestly want 

A life that is one note, one color, one flavor.

I know there is value in the chaos and mess, 

And that moments of contrast serve our greatness, too.

 

I want a life that is rich, textured, and colorful.

A life that is spiritual, ecstatic, and wild.

An existence that is honest, vibrant, joyful, and TRUE.

A way of living that is aligned with life, creativity, connection, and joy.

 

I will do whatever it takes to become the woman who

Gets to live a life like that.

I will climb high and dive deep.

I will show up for that level of life and love because 

I know very well what it is not

And I also know very well what it IS.

 

I know it exists.

 

I fear sharing my truth like this because

What if I fail?

What if 5 or 10 years from now I’m still talking and

Writing about the same thing?

What if my fears come true and I spend the next

How ever many years preparing for something

That will never be mine?

 

Here is what I know right now –

I want the most extraordinary life possible

That is filled with my most tender and delicious 

Things. And if I’m really honest

I don’t know for sure that I’ll get what I want.

 

To admit what I really and truly want

(It’s easier not to, isn’t it?)

And to orient my whole being towards it

Requires a level of courage, trust, and 

Fortitude that I am still learning

To tap into to the degree I must.

 

Amidst all that I don’t know

And the fear that arises whenever

We claim a desire with full authority,

There is something I know for sure –

 

I will do whatever it takes to become the 

Extraordinary woman of my imagination

Who believes in herself and her value,

And her ability and capacity

To a degree my previous self would never 

Have believed was possible.

 

I will do whatever it takes to become almost

Unrecognizable to my former self – again and again –

Because I am that committed to

The life I desire and being the authentic and joyful woman 

Who courageously resides in it.

 

I am devoted to creating a 

Masterpiece out of my life.

A life of mystical, magical, creative proportions

I seldom see being lived by others. 

 

Not only do I desire a life like that

But I also know that a life like that 

Desires me right back.

 

As much as I don’t know how this will turn out

I do know that when I go within

And connect with the Alicia of today

Who she is, what she wants, and what her 

full bodied truth is right now…

 

She is ready to leap

And risk it all.

She goes for it with her whole heart.

She is willing to stand for the entirety of her desire

Even if she fails in glorious fashion in front of everyone,

Including you.

 

Because I would rather live with the disappointment

Of having tried and failed than

Live with the regret of not having tried at all.

 

I am someone who risks.

Someone who stands.

Someone who faces the naysayers and fear

Nods her head, pulls on her boots,

And goes for it anyway.

 

Am I titch crazy and passionate?

What some might call a bit too much?

Am I silly and colorful and a dreamer

In the best possible ways?

 

Absolutely. All of it.

That is who I am.

But I am also grounded in my resolve

And present to my deepest truth

Which align me with my courage

When I question if I am enough.

 

As little as I know about what is next

Or how all of this will happen

Or what the end result will be,

I trust myself to meet whatever emerges

With the best of myself.

And that is enough for me.

 

I wonder who you are.

If you are willing to stand 

And risk

And become 

No matter what

Because it’s what is true for you.

 

I wonder because this is the game I want us to play.

 

To risk our former identities and egos

And shadows and stories 

That kept us scared and protected,

Stuck and small.

 

To risk our current sense of safety and comfort 

For connection and experience and love

And a technicolor life that we get to 

Consciously create one step at a time.

 

This is what I have chosen – and keep choosing –

For myself.

If you haven’t already,

This is what I invite you to begin today.

 

As I find answers and a way forward 

I promise to keep sharing what I discover with you.

I promise to be transparent and vulnerable

And to celebrate as I go.

 

I promise to be unapologetically me

And to honor myself every step of the way

As best as I can, as often as I can.

I promise to love myself even if I trip or flail.

 

I promise to be true to myself.

And to walk with you as you discover 

What is true for you.

 

Here’s to our ever-unfolding journey of becoming

And to consciously creating lives we LOVE,

xx

Alicia