I’m writing from a raw and vulnerable place today because in this love note I’m sharing a bit about where I’m currently at on my health journey with you.

As I near the 8-year mark, I’ve turned a corner in a very positive direction with my overall health and vitality.

I’m sleeping 8-9 hours every night. 🙌

I’m able to do a fairly strenuous work out most days of the week and keep up with my almost 8-year old son. 💪

My creativity and resourcefulness are at an all-time high. 💃

I actually feel good. 🎉

When I think about where I started from, I want to fall to my knees and weep with gratitude. I am so beyond grateful to be where I am today. I’ve worked HARD to get here.

And…

Right now, I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed.

Truth be told, MY EGO HATES IT.

I grew up on fast food and TV dinners, and in a home environment that felt anything but safe and secure. In grade school, I was always the heaviest girl in my class. I endured teasing and bullying throughout my formative years – even from those I called friends and family. It was very painful.

Now that I’m in this place of weighing more than I ever have, a lot of that old pain of being overweight as a child has come full circle. It’s been good to look at those old wounds and tend to them from a new place.

Notice I said my ego is the one who hates all of this. There is a bigger part of me that recognizes this weight is here for a reason. She knows my body is up to something brilliant that I can lean into and trust.

Because I do trust my body. She’s been through A LOT, and she hasn’t failed me yet. I know and deeply respect how hard she’s been working on my behalf for all these years.

What I can say is that I’m “in the mystery” with this extra weight that my body is holding on to.

For whatever reason, it’s not something that can be explained or easily resolved. I do all the “right” things, I continue to work with experts, and I have been healing the deepest of deep inner issues, too.

And yet, even with all of that, the weight is here. I have often treated it like an unwelcome visitor who just won’t leave.

There was a time when I thought about this extra weight almost non-stop. How much I hate it, how much I want it to be different, how hard I’m working and all I’m doing to change it.

But I’ve made a new decision. I’m no longer going to waste my energy thinking and worrying about this anymore. I will buy new clothes so my body can be comfortable. I will get up every day and do what helps my body to feel good and strong and nourished.

I will continue to show up for myself and my body and love myself with the best choices I can make.

But I’m no longer fighting what is here. I’m no longer hating myself because I weigh more than I ever have. I’m no longer going to waste my time feeling badly about myself or how I look.

I am clear I still want things to change. I am clear I will continue to do what is needed for my body to heal. I am devoted to being the most vibrant, beautiful and powerful me I can be.

The difference is that I am choosing to accept what is here now without resigning myself to it. I am choosing to stop gripping and instead hold loosely what I still want for myself. I am leaning into self-love more and more every day.

I know I cannot and will not abuse and force myself into the change I desire. It’s toxic to do so, and completely unsustainable.

When I think about shedding this weight, it’s because I want to LIVE MORE. To move my body with greater ease, to continue to keep up with my son as he gets older, and to feel strong, flexible, resilient, capable and deeply embodied as I age.

This is where my motivation comes from – not from some body mass index chart, or daily weigh-in, or shame-filled conversation with a doctor.

I want to love myself into this new place, not hate and punish myself there.

The weight loss and dieting worlds would tell you it’s not possible. But doesn’t it make more sense to create change in this way?

So, that’s the picture today. I’m doing well and I am a work in progress.

Most importantly, I’m becoming more and more of the woman I’ve always wanted to be.

I am honoring all of myself – even the parts my ego doesn’t like so much. I’m listening for what is needed and necessary. I’m accepting what’s here while decidedly moving myself in the direction I desire.

I hope this serves some part of you that maybe needed to read this today.

All of you is lovable and worthy. Even if your ego says otherwise.

xx