Every year I choose a word – a theme if you will – for the year.

I say I choose it, but honestly, the word chooses me.

Sometimes I fall in love with my word, and other times I wrestle with it until I submit to the perfection of it. This does not happen overnight, but over time as I live into my word for the year.

This year my word is LOVE. 💗

As lovely as LOVE sounds, it has been kicking my butt this year in the best possible ways. 

Because LOVE has been showing me where it has been absent, where it’s being withheld by yours truly, and where it has remained conditional even amidst the personal work, I am devoted to doing no matter where I go or what I do.

LOVE has been growing me in ways I couldn’t have expected, and in ways I didn’t know I needed. I am grateful even when its presence shows me things I don’t think I’m ready to see.

The two most prominent areas of my life that have needed more LOVE are my relationship with my body, and my body image.

(More vulnerability here… deep breath…!)

Since the age of 7 I’ve had a push-pull relationship with my body and body image. Like nearly every woman I know, I was infected with our culture’s toxically narrow definition of beauty. 

I’ve struggled with disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and a constant fear of weight gain since I was 9.

Although I’ve worked through a lot of this over the last two decades, this chapter of my life has given me another opportunity to dive deeper with it.

You see, since my son was born, I have gained more than 50lbs. (!!!!!!!) I didn’t lose weight, I gained it. 😨

As someone who has been exploring and mastering the arena of nutrition, eating and nourishment for the past 23 years and coaching many women around these challenging topics for the past 12 years, this has been devastating and confusing on many levels for me.

Firstly, I do not eat in a way that should equate to anyone gaining 50lbs. I even hired a clinical nutritionist last year to make sure I wasn’t just delusional about this. 

It turns out I am SPOT ON when it comes to my food and eating choices. The nutritionist even said she’d never seen a diet as clean, colorful, and fiber rich as mine. 🍎

A compliment like that would normally make me puff up with pride, but in this instance, not so much. Because it means the weight my body has acquired and held on to over the last 7 years is not due to diet.

This kind of weight gain is far more mysterious and confounding than the standard calories in vs. calories out approach to weight loss and gain. 

During this journey I’ve hated how I look and how challenging it has been to live in and dress a body like mine is now. 

When I see myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize the woman looking back at me. It’s a shock to feel one way inside of your body, but to look completely different on the outside. 😳

I’ve been hiding out, not wanting to be seen. I haven’t wanted to be on the receiving end of people’s shock and erroneous assumptions about how this weight gain came to be. 

So, that theme of LOVE that chose me? Yep. It’s definitely needed in this area.

Here’s the thing: when I am centered in my wise and loving self, I have nothing but great regard and respect for my body. 

It’s been through A LOT these past 8 years. Coming back from death is something few get the opportunity to do. 🙏

When I’m LOVING and kind and generous with myself, I can see that for whatever reason – a reason my well-trained, highly educated brain cannot come up with – THIS is what my body needs to look like right now. 

Apparently, THIS is what my body needs to do to continue to heal.

So, this is where I invite more LOVE into the picture. 💗

After years of working with various professionals, healers, and very smart people, trying to figure this out, I’ve decided to hold this conundrum differently inside of myself. 

I have started to ask different questions, trust the wisdom of my body, and LOVE myself every step of the way.

Instead of fighting what is and asking, “How do I get rid of this? How do I get my body to change?”, I am accepting that, for whatever reason, this is what is happening right now.

Because IT IS.

The more I fight it, hate it, and try to change it, the less I am LOVING myself and what is.

I want to clarify that my acceptance is not the same is resignation. Resignation would say, “There’s no hope. This is what it’s going to always be. Nothing is ever going to change. Just give up and accept this is what is.”

Instead, I choose to LOVE myself where I am at while continue to listen to what my body says it needs. 🌟

I DO still desire to transform my body. But that transformation quite clearly needs to come from my body’s readiness to do so and not from any pushing or forcing on my ego’s part. 

So, what am I doing to LOVE myself through this turbulent chapter that I’d honestly prefer to hide and not talk about?

I’m loving myself enough to be vulnerable, speak my truth, and share with you. 

There are so many reasons why people acquire and hold on to extra weight that have nothing to do with what they are feeding their bodies or how much they exercise. 

I’m LOVING myself enough to continue to eat in ways that feel good, enhance my vitality, and support my well-being on every level. 💃

I’m LOVING myself enough to exercise in ways that strengthen my body, bring me joy, and enhance my sensual experience of life.

I’m LOVING myself enough to notice when I compare myself to others, and to remind myself to live my life my way. My path is different from anyone else’s, and it’s important that I honor my journey.

I’m LOVING myself enough to remember all I’ve lived through, all I’ve overcome, all I’ve lived up to, and all I’ve accomplished – before, during and after nearly dying and being so very sick for so very long.

Instead of LOVING (or not) myself based on how I look, I am choosing to LOVE myself for who I AM. And I’m surrounding myself with loved ones who reflect this truth back to me every day.

This is me playing a different game – a game where I value just how damn amazing I am, instead of withholding that truth because my appearance isn’t where I want it to be.

I still have moments when I wish things were different than they are. I still care about how I look and there are times when my confidence feels shaky. 

I sometimes fear that people will see me, or read this, and think, “Why would I want to work with someone who’s been ill for the past 7 years and has gained 50lbs?!? How could she possibly help me with anything if she hasn’t figured that out?”

Inevitably, there will be those who think these things and more. But I have no control over that.

So, instead of hating myself or resigning myself to this state for forever, I continue to work with what I have and make the best of it. 

I continue to explore and learn and listen and grow. 👑

I am choosing to LOVE myself for where I am today, instead of withholding that LOVE until I arrive someplace else in the future.

Instead of relying on my confidence to carry me through my days, I rely on the deep wellspring of self-esteem I’ve cultivated over my lifetime. 

I lean on all the ways I have and continue to make myself proud. 

I rest in my solid trust in myself, my ability to do very difficult things, and the incredible courage I possess to overcome any challenge that comes my way.

Now, over to you.

Where could more LOVE help you in your life? Is there an area of your life where LOVE could help you soften, stretch, open, or grow? 

Where could LOVE dissolve hate? Alleviate pressure? Eliminate pain? Shift old patterns that no longer serve?

How could LOVING yourself more transform you, an area of your life, or a relationship for the better? ❤

If your confidence has recently been shaken to its core, what do you need to remember about yourself and what you’ve overcome in the past? How can you remind yourself of that every day?

As always, I LOVE hearing from you. Simply reply to this email with your thoughts or musings. I read every single one.

No matter the challenges you are living with right now, please remember to honor yourself by LOVING yourself every step of the way – especially when the journey looks nothing like you thought it would.

Lots of love,

Alicia

PS:  This is a photo of me when I was two. I keep this one in a frame where I see it daily to remember how lovable and precious I am.

PPS:  If you like what you’re reading, here are some additional ways I can support you today:

1. Follow me on the ‘gram here.

1. Download my “8 Inner Shifts for Stepping Into the New You” document here. (no opt-in required)

1. If you’re ready to go beyond a breakthrough and create lasting transformation in your life, let’s connect for a 1-on-1 conversation. We’ll discover what’s holding you back, where to begin, and how working with me can make all the difference.

Simply reply to this email and we will find a time to talk.

PPPS:  You may wish to respond to this email with health or medical advice, and I thank the place in your kind heart where that desire to share comes from. 

I am very well supported by a team of talented and insightful individuals. This is a deeply personal body & soul journey that I am on. I kindly request you not reach out with your recommendations or judgments. Thank you.