I have a border of stones that outlines the garden beds in my front yard. They create a lovely little border around the area in which my crab apple trees and flowers grow, and I really love how it looks.

What I don’t love so much about this stone border is that after heavy winter snowstorms and spring and summer rainstorms, the stones tend to shift and move. To keep my stone border looking nice, I have to go and rearrange the stones from time to time.

Don’t get me wrong – I like spending time in my yard. I like making my home beautiful. I have no objection to getting my hands in the dirt. But there are times when I wish I could just do things ONCE and be done with it. Know what I mean?

*I’ll come back to this point in a minute.

Me being me, I wanted to make this garden beautification time about more than just “moving rocks”. I decided to use it as a time to think about the boundaries in my life that might need to shift and change.

I get a clear picture in my mind of how my boundaries might need to shift so that I feel fully supported and held in my life. Each stone represents a boundary. Arranging them into a beautiful border gives me the opportunity to consider that boundary, and what, if anything, might need to shift and change in regards to it.

As I do this I ask myself if there are relationships or aspects of my life that, for whatever reason, don’t feel good, or feel draining, or where I see myself giving far more than I receive.

I consider if there are relationships in my life where high drama, comparison-itis, betrayal, or that icky feeling inferior-superior dynamic is at play. I question if those relationships are actually the kind of relationships I want in my life, and if not, how my boundaries need to shift in those circumstances, too.

I also think about the top 3 priorities in my life and whether or not I’m giving them the time and attention I want to give them – or if I’m allowing other things to take precedence.

And then, as I move the stones and arrange them to be more pleasing to the eye, I imagine I’m not only moving rocks, but I’m also energetically shifting (or establishing ) my boundaries in the ways I’ve thought about.

It’s clearly time well spent because my yard continues to look beautiful and well kept. And I also get the clarity I need, inside of myself, about how to make my life work better for me.

There are a couple of things most people don’t understand about boundaries. The first is that boundaries aren’t for other people. A boundary isn’t meant to tell someone else what they can or can’t do in regards to you.

You are not setting a boundary when you say to someone, “Please don’t -or- stop doing that thing”. Because people are going to do whatever they’re going to do, and you have no control over them.

Your boundaries are FOR YOU, meaning they determine what you will or won’t do when someone crosses a boundary by saying or doing something that doesn’t feel good to you. They become a set of rules for yourself.

Rather than saying to someone, “Please don’t talk to me like that”, a boundary means saying something like, “I listen to people who treat me with respect. If you speak to me like that again, I will terminate this conversation and walk away.”

You must be prepared to not only define your boundaries – for yourself FIRST, and then to others – but to follow through on the boundary you’ve set. From the example above, you have to be willing to terminate a disrespectful conversation and to walk away from it, if that is what your boundary is.

The second thing a lot of people don’t understand about boundaries is that much like my garden’s stone border, a vast majority of boundaries aren’t meant to be cemented in place, completely immobile, and totally unchangeable. Most boundaries need some flexibility to them so that you can continue to honor yourself.

There will be times when your boundaries need to shift to accommodate something. Some boundaries will need to be checked in with and maintained more frequently than others. You have to repeatedly connect with what is true for you, what will serve you best, and then establish or shift your boundary accordingly.

It’s not always easy or fun work. Much like my feelings about the stone border in my garden, sometimes I just wish I could just set a boundary and then forget about it. Boundary creation and setting asks some things of us – honesty, clarity, and courage.

But if creating and maintaining them means your life feels and works better for you? If it means your physical and mental health can thrive? If it means your peace, safety and sanity can soar? It’s well worth the time, energy, and chutzpah to periodically check in with what you need and establish your boundaries accordingly.

You may not have a stone border in your yard to act as an external reminder to keep checking and maintaining your healthy boundaries, like I do. Regardless, I recommend you check in with yourself on a regular basis about your priorities.

Sometimes establishing and maintaining your boundaries will ask you to be bold and do what you fear doing. Sometimes the rocks you will be asked to move and the boundaries you will need to establish will feel big and heavy, and you may talk yourself out of doing it before you even begin.

I want you to know it’s worth doing the hard things. It’s worth moving things around so your life works better for you. It’s worth honoring yourself, your priorities, and your life.

Because you are precious. Your life is precious. And you will never regret honoring yourself enough to create a life that feels good in every way, to you.