I’ve been hiding out. There, I said it. It’s out in the open and I can stop trying to pretend that I’m not shying away from cameras, the comments and opinions of strangers, and the incredulous eyes of onlookers. I HAVE BEEN HIDING OUT.

I’m not proud of this, but to be honest, I’ve been struggling lately. This struggle isn’t anything new – I struggled a lot with what I’m feeling now when I was a teen – and because it isn’t anything unique, I thought I had a handle on it and that I could move past it without much emotional investment or grief. I was wrong.

At 33+ weeks pregnant, I am big, I am round, and at times I am in awe and in love with my gorgeously voluptuous body. I’ve literally metamorphosed from a fairly athletic and slim build, to someone who really resembles one of those goddess statues – full breasts, round, protruding belly, and newly sturdy thighs that support the weight I now carry around wherever I go.

But honestly, I’m only in awe and love with my body some of the time, and those times tend to be when I’m alone, with my husband, or with a trusted friend. During those quieter times when it’s just me, or perhaps me and a loved one, I can really receive my beauty and the beauty of what is taking place inside of me.

When I’m out in public or around larger groups of people I feel more exposed and vulnerable to the opinions, projections and unsolicited advice everyone seems so eager to offer me. I have felt judged. I have felt fat and ugly. I have even felt my self-worth sink when I allow too much of this outside input into my psyche.

Hiding out has felt like a really “safe” way to avoid the pain I feel when other people feel the need to tell me how HUGE I’ve become or that they can’t believe I still have nearly two months to go… It’s been a way for me to avoid my feelings around this, and to even convince myself that I’m a victim to everyone’s scrutiny and comments.

The truth is, I don’t really believe I’m a victim here. In fact I know I’m not. The only thing that’s really been happening is that people are reflecting back to me the places inside of myself where I am not loving and honoring me. If I didn’t believe somewhere deep down that I am, in fact, the size of a house and that I’m fat and ugly, then those comments and criticisms wouldn’t be coming my way.

If comments like this did, by some off chance, come my way and I was fully on “my side”, they would slide off my back and I wouldn’t give them much thought. I would know they simply aren’t true. Instead, they’ve penetrated into me and stirred up a lot of angst and insecurity. This is a sure sign that I’m holding the same judgments toward myself, and it’s definitely time to let those judgments go.

My current reality is that I am in fact attracting this sort of negative attention to myself, and it’s time for me to own up to it, take responsibility for the reality I’m creating, and change it if I want. Trust me when I say, I want to change it!

I’m still carrying around a lot of old, immature, teenaged perceptions and judgments about my body, and these negative thoughts and fears still creep into my mind and heart when I feel less than confident and secure about myself. It’s time for me to transform those thoughts into greater truths, and give myself the opportunity and love that I couldn’t offer myself when I was 14.

More than anything, I want to receive my beauty – my unique physical embodiment and expression that no one else can duplicate. I want to celebrate my curly hair, my fair skin, my changing body, the creases and wrinkles that are forming on my face. They are all signs of a life well lived and hours upon hours of laughter and love. I want to celebrate and dance with the joy that is in my heart, and share my gifts and my beauty with the world.

I can’t do any of that if I can’t receive my own beauty first.

The more I judge and deprive myself of self-love, self-compassion, and self-adoration (yes, adoration!), the less I am able to really receive my own beauty. If I’m not receiving me, it’s like I’m voluntarily (albeit somewhat unconsciously) handing myself and my beauty over to the outside world, waiting for them to deem me beautiful or not… and that’s just not a very good-feeling or powerful place to be!

This is a work in progress, but I know I’m on to something really powerful here. I determine and define my reality. I am the co-creatrix of my life. And it’s time I fully receive and own my beauty, too.

As these realizations and desires settle into deeper and deeper layers of awareness inside of me, I become more aware of how I relate to and treat myself every day. I am now complete with the punishing self-talk and behaviors I adopted at such an early age (and honestly thought were no longer a part of my modus operandi). I am done with believing I have to earn love and respect and prove my inherent value and worth.

Instead, I choose to receive my beauty, fully, now.

Are you receiving your beauty?