Negative self-talk is an epidemic amongst women. It’s so natural and automatic most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it.

We’re constantly berating ourselves with messages that tell our bodies…

You’re not okay. You’re not enough. There’s something wrong with you. You need to be different. You need to be better. You need to be fixed.

We didn’t invent this negative self-talk. We inherited it.

Perhaps from your mother, or your family, or your religion, but also from the misogynistic culture we live in. Our society expects us to be at war with and abuse our bodies with negative and judgmental thoughts and words.

Whether or not we know it, this kind of ill treatment feels stressful to our bodies. As brilliant as our brains may be, our bodies are far more animal in nature. The body feels threatened by the criticism and disdain we spew at it.

The body responds to this sense of threat by creating a chemistry of self-protection inside. Because the body feels deeply unsafe. And in a way, it absolutely is.

So many women try to change their bodies from a place of judgment, shame and blame. This is true for women who want to lose weight, but also for women who are dealing with a health challenge of some kind.

We try to force their bodies to hurry up and heal. It’s understandable. There is no room for illness or rest in a culture that is so productivity obsessed.

But when we push our bodies – to lose weight, or to heal – from a place of believing something is wrong with us, our bodies will only feel stressed and abused. This is the opposite of what the body needs to feel safe and heal.

None of us can create lasting change by pushing, forcing, demanding or berating ourselves.

It’s only when the body feels safe that true healing and change can occur.

What if instead of restricting and forcing your body into weight loss…

You listened to and worked with your body?

What if instead of demanding that your body push through illness…

You walked with your body and honored its needs every step of the way?

What if instead of needing to control and contort your body into doing things it doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to do…

You got curious and learned to understand your body – what it needs, what it wants, and what it enjoys most?

In Mary Oliver’s poem, Wild Geese, she wrote:

“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

And yet, somehow, the idea of letting our bodies love what they love can feel dangerous, wrong, and scary.

Who are we, as women, if we’re not always trying to control and maneuver our bodies into what we’ve been taught is good and right and lovable?

I, for one, think it’s time for all of us to find out.

The next time you catch that judgmental voice in your head, condemning what it sees in the mirror, try this simple process for yourself:

1. Catch yourself in the act of berating your body. Notice how your body feels as it hears those unkind thoughts.
2. Ask yourself, “What if that mean thought about my body isn’t true?”
3. Notice what happens inside of yourself when you question the truth of the negative self-talk. Breathe.
4. Tap into the wise and compassionate part of yourself and ask, “What do I want to say to myself, instead?” Feel the truth of those words. Notice if your body responds differently to them.
5. Write down the words from your wise and compassionate self.
6. Practice saying those words to yourself as a new mantra. Notice how your body responds.

It is possible to love your body even if it doesn’t look the way you want it to. It is possible to cherish your body even if it is exhausted, unwell or not functioning like you want it to.

What might happen if you walked away from being at war with your body, and instead let it experience the peace, love and safety it’s been longing for?

I can tell you from experience – it’s better than you’ve been taught to believe is possible.