Does the idea of putting yourself first make you want to squirm in your seat a bit? As women, we’re taught from a very young age to be considerate of other people, to always keep some one else’s experience and emotions in mind, and to avoid being perceived as selfish, vain, and self-centered. This pattern runs very deep for women, and is often the source of a great deal of turmoil, anxiety, and pain.

And really, if you think about it, it’s also a very powerful way that a woman is taught – indoctrinated, if you will – how she should channel her power and energy, and where her attention and influence should go. Due to a host of very important hormones and other factors, women are also more innately community oriented. The fact that we can so easily attune to someone else’s emotional state plays into this, as well.

Women tend to be more “other” focused. In fact, focusing more on others is a way that many women create and orient their lives. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a universal thing. But many women do tend to place more concern, focus and energy into the needs of those around them than they do their own. 

Let’s look at what this creates, over time.

Self-neglect is at the top of the list. If you’re constantly placing other people’s needs and agenda’s before your own, it will inevitably lead to a point in time where your own unattended needs require some serious TLC. For some women this point in time can look like a health crisis or scare, depression and/or anxiety, and in more subtle instances, it can look like anger, frustration, resentment, life feeling “unfair”, and like you’re always getting the short end things.

But think about it. If you always put yourself last in the bread line, do you really expect there to be the best of the best waiting for you once everyone has picked through it all? That’s not usually how things work. You’ve given what you really desire to someone else who wasn’t afraid to put themselves in a position to receive what they wanted, earlier than you did. You’ve also given your best to someone else. What is left for you?

Overwhelm is next. Life starts to feel really overwhelming when you’re constantly putting out fires, tending to everyone else, and juggling 18 balls at once while balancing on a tight rope, making dinner, balancing the budget, breast feeding the baby, being a rock start in your professional life, a sex kitten in bed, and the world’s #1 Mom, too. You have to become superwoman to do it all – and you’re encouraged, even rewarded, for doing so. And maybe you even manage to show up as superwoman a good deal of the time, which always feels good, doesn’t it?

But here’s the thing – it breeds more of the same. The more you step in to take care of others, put out that fire, rescue someone, and intervene in the name of “helping”, the more those people and situations start to depend on you to keep showing up and doing things that way. And the less they learn to do it for themselves. They rarely, or never, get to receive the satisfaction of figuring it out on their own, of coming to their own rescue, and of knowing that they are the person behind their own success.

Struggle is in there too. Women everywhere are struggling to keep things together, to keep things going, to keep their heads above water, and to keep going at the pace that’s been set. The worst thing is that we feel like failures if we’re not able to keep all 467 plates spinning at the same time. We turn on ourselves, berate and judge ourselves, and struggle with not being truly happy while we take care of everyone else around us.

But we usually do it anyway, don’t we? We keep going, supporting, rescuing, cheering others on, caretaking and tending. And it starts to feel like a huge heavy weight, a burden, and a deep betrayal to what we really want to be enjoying instead. Even if we hate it, we keep it up because the thought of not doing it, of what others might think or say if we stop, the irreversible damage we might create – to our own image and to the psyche of someone else – if we don’t rescue, or include, or make all better is too much to even consider.

Women push and push and push until there’s nothing left in the tank. Some women explode in a fit of fury and rage. Others shrink into a state of anxiety, fear and self-judgment. Some women feel fed up and just walk away. And others take on the role of the martyr because at least the martyr is rewarded in the end…

Some of what I’m sharing here is an exaggeration. And some of it reflects the exact experience and reality that I have lived in, and that many of my clients are seeking to shift out of.

There is a very simple – not easy, but simple – solution, and it’s this:

You must put your pleasure first.

This idea makes a lot of women really anxious. But I assure you that the world will not stop spinning, the sun will still rise and set every day, and your loved ones will survive to see tomorrow if you put the things that please you, that bring you pleasure, that feel good to you, first.

What would it be like to disappoint someone? To really honor how you feel about something? To say “No, thank you” to that invitation that you dread, or to do what you really want to do for a change? What would it be like to re-orient your life to those things that feel good – delicious, intoxicating and sublime, even – instead of to what will feel good to everyone else?

I believe women will discover their true power, their overflowing energy reserves, and they will heal this deep pain of needing to be a certain kind of woman to be loveable. I believe women will step into their destinies, and empower everyone around them to do the same. I believe women will step into their happiness, their beauty, and their purpose – and they will teach their children to do the same.

It’s never easy to see someone unhappy, or to witness the struggle in someone else’s life – whether it’s a debilitating drug addiction, or a baby learning to walk on legs that don’t quite do what they want them to do. It feels natural to want to step in and help – especially if you see a solution, and you think you can really help.

I’m not promoting ignorance, cruelty or abuse in any way shape or form.

But I am saying that it’s time to stop neglecting, struggling, abusing, ignoring, judging, limiting and overwhelming yourself. It’s time to pay attention to what fuels, inspires and feeds you. It’s time to honor your desires, your truth, your inner wisdom and knowing. It’s time to live your life – the one that is waiting for you.

You can begin by putting your pleasure first.