Most women, for a myriad of reasons, just don’t let themselves feel good. Chances are you’re one of them. I definitely used to be.

Here in the US, our culture values productivity and financial gain. And when it comes to women, we praise them for sacrificing themselves for others. We expect women to play this role, and to abandon their wants and needs so that they can caretake everyone around them.

Women are taught to…

Reflexively put up with things, situations, people that don’t feel good
Delay or postpone pleasure
Take care of everyone else first
Feel bad or wrong for doing things that are just for themselves
Ignore, override or mistrust their feelings
Look to others for permission to do something nice for themselves
Be people pleasers
Believe it’s noble and good to feel overwhelmed, burdened, bad or oppressed
Feel guilty for even wanting to feel good
Wait for someone else to make them feel better, happy or good

Don’t be surprised if you identify with one or all of these. You were taught that you should. You learned – in subtle and not so subtle ways – that you shouldn’t feel good because feeling good means you must be thoughtless, selfish and vain.

Think about what you learned from your mother or caretaker about feeling good, pleasing yourself and prioritizing pleasure in general. Was feeling good celebrated and seen as a natural necessity? Or did you absorb a very different message?

I’ve done what so many women do. I’ve sacrificed, put others first, neglected myself, postponed my happiness, waited for someone to offer me the support I needed, helped and given to others to the point of pain, and sacrificed myself with the belief that all of my efforts would be reciprocated at some point in time.

I’ve even felt a sense of pride when I’ve done all of this. Because this is what I’d been taught I was supposed to do. But how can any of us sustain this and feel truly, deeply fulfilled and happy when that’s all we do?

I had a very clear ah-ha moment shortly after I became a mother. I was exhausted, traumatized, breastfeeding 15 times a day, still in pain from my cesarean and retaining a lot of water (think  50+ pounds of it).

All I wanted was a little bit of time to myself. Not much. Just enough time to be able to feel myself, breathe, and not take care of someone else. I felt like I was going to go insane if I didn’t get away for a bit. I also felt incredibly guilty for wanting time and space to myself.

I was in tears as I left my house. I took myself to a local nail salon and got a pedicure. I was only gone a total of 45 minutes, but when I returned, I felt… refreshed. It did nothing to erase my exhaustion, but just filling my tank a little itty-bitty bit made a big difference for me.

It was when I looked at my son – that little tiny completely helpless baby – that I saw how incredibly selfish it was of me NOT to take care of myself like this. Everything I’d been taught about what I should do changed and something new shifted into focus.

The truth is that when I don’t take care of myself, when I don’t prioritize making myself feel good, when I neglect the things I need in order to be a healthy version of myself…

I get resentful.
I feel exhausted and depleted.
I have less and less to give.
I disconnect from my inner knowing and heart.
I get cranky and snippy.
My patience goes out the window.
And…

I start looking to and even expecting others to make me feel good and happy.

None of that is fair to the ones I love. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel good or happy. It’s my own.

Just because our culture does not value pleasure and feeling good the way it could, it doesn’t mean I (or you) have to go along with it.

As someone who has made feeling good a priority and value in her life, I know how challenging it can be to take a stand for this and say, again and again and again, ‘Me feeling good is important!’. There is nothing easy about taking a stand for pleasure when everyone around you is doing it another way.

I’ve been called selfish, conceited, self-absorbed, and greedy. I’ve had people say things like, “Well, that must be nice…” and I’ve felt the sting of judgment, shame and jealousy being thrown my way. I’ve heard the stories that people have told about me and felt the heartache of not being understood.

And…

If someone, anyone, wants to tell me that I am selfish for prioritizing feeling good, I know immediately that they are simply caught in the spell of our cultural misunderstanding and mistreatment of women and pleasure.

Feeling good is not an extravagant luxury. It’s not overly (or even a little bit) indulgent. And it’s not anything to feel guilty about.

Pleasure and feeling good are essential, mandatory, non-negotiable requirements in life. They light us up, fuel us from the inside out and buoy us when life goes sideways.

Feeling good makes us better versions of ourselves.

At a time when so much is falling on the shoulders of women, and so much is being demanded of us, it’s more important than ever to ensure we are feeling good. It’s more necessary than ever to prioritize and choose feeling good for ourselves.

It’s more important than ever to choose yourself.

You’re the only one who can.

PS: It’s easier to choose yourself when you’re surrounded by like-minded, like-hearted women who are committed to doing the same!

If you’d like to receive regular inspiration and specific tools and techniques for increasing your confidence, elevating your overall vitality and wellbeing, speaking your truth, asking for what you need, prioritizing feeling good, and honoring yourself like the powerful Creatrix that you already are…

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