I cried in the shower tonight. It’s been a rough day – one of those days when my mind has found its way down an all too well worn path that’s filled with intense self judgment and body hate. This is a very dark place that I find myself, on occasion. It’s been some time since I’ve been here, and today reminded me of why I’ve worked so hard to pull myself out of this place.

My entire journey with pregnancy and the post partum period has challenged so many of my old internal dialogues around body image and beauty. How could it not when my body was stretched and swollen into a state that was far away and beyond what I ever thought was possible? But there was a good reason for such a dramatic shift in my body… I was pregnant!

Before the pre-eclampsia I really only gained about 30 – 35 pounds total. But with the pre-eclampsia, I gained over 70 pounds in just a matter of days…Oh, what my body has been through!

Today I couldn’t help but slip face first into a deep, dark and self-critical place. I am now 10-months post partum and my body is still nothing like it was before. I’ve had so many mothers say to me that the pregnancy weight just fell off of them… and then some! They’ve told me to just wait and see and prepare to be amazed.

But I’m not amazed. Not at all. I’m actually, in this moment, grieving a reality that my body may never return to the size and shape that it once was. I know this is an experience that many mothers go through. A dear friend of mine pointed out to me that having a baby is a journey in humility around body image. Today this really hit me hard.

For more of my life than not I’ve waged an all out war against my body. I’ve tortured, starved, ignored, drugged, exhausted and out and out loathed my body. And today, after months and months of really working very diligently to be kind, loving, patient and curious about this journey that my body is on, I find myself here, on my knees, looking into a pit of despair, not wanting to fall in.

There have been moments – more than a few – in the past few months when I have needed to cry about the state of my body. I’ve faced so many imbalances and illnesses in the past 11 months, how could I not break down emotionally and just weep? I’ve been on a rigorous journey, and I have been thoroughly tested again, and again, and again.

But mostly I’ve held my head high. I’ve looked for the silver lining and the message, the lesson, and the gift in it all. I’ve maintained a steady state of poise, focus and trust that everything was happening for me. I’ve done my best to laugh at myself, to do everything I know to do to support my healing process, and to be so incredibly present with the highs and the lows of it all…

I have not been so successful at staying positive today. Today I’ve needed to feel the grit and the grind of it all. I’ve needed to feel angry and disappointed. I’ve needed to really feel the shock of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me. I’ve had to let go of how I used to relate to time, and trust more in the organic unfolding and divine timing of things. I’ve needed to search daily for something to celebrate about my beauty and then feel the sting of not being able to find anything no matter how hard I try.

I’ve needed to be reminded of the pain I felt as a little girl who weighed more than all of her classmates, who endured jokes and pranks and bullying (which is not what we called it then, but it was) because she was fat. I’ve needed to be visited by the ghost of disordered eating who likes to drop by when life gets really intense and the pain feels really acute and all I want to do is numb out and make it all go away…

I’ve needed to FEEL.IT.ALL. instead of bypassing it with a bit of spiritual arrogance and an overzealous desire to stay super freaking positive.

I’ve needed to hear the seething self-judgment return from its dormancy to whisper tales of how unattractive and unlovable I am. I’ve needed to remember how painful this place is for me so that I never take for granted how good it feels to love myself, to celebrate how far I’ve traveled, and to be in awe of what my body, soul and spirit are capable of… because it is truly a miracle that I am here today, and I have my body to thank for that.

I will not stay in this place. I know I am only visiting this dark corner for a short time today. I’d like to never return again, but I know that this shadow place serves to make the light seem that much brighter. It highlights the contrast between possible realities and it helps me to appreciate and choose the one that feels better to me – even when that better feeling place feels a million miles away from where I am.

Today was a rough day, but not every day will be like today. After I’ve felt all that needs to be felt, I can be grateful for today and what it has given to me and shown me about myself. I can appreciate how it has helped me to feel whole because I have embraced and felt and recognized all of it – not just the light and bright parts, but the sludge and the ick and the darkness, too.

Tomorrow will be a different day, a fresh start, and an opportunity to meet myself with tenderness and love for all of what has made me uniquely and irreplaceably me. I am all of this – the light and the dark – and none of it all at the same time.

So, in the words of Elizabeth Gilbert,

Onward.