Have you ever had a moment when you felt like you were standing out too much?

When you felt like you were taking up too much space in the room? In conversation? Or in a decision-making process?

Like you needed to tone yourself down a bit, blend in more, and make space for everyone else?

How often do you shrink yourself and your needs for the sake of not being too needy? High maintenance? Too girly?

I’ve had so many conversations with women about how much space they actually occupy in their lives. It’s something I have had to take a long hard look at for myself, too.

Left to our own devices, most women will take up less space in their lives than they really and truly need. This holds true for how much space women take up in their homes, their professional lives, their relationships, their communities and beyond. Because women are taught from a young age not to take up the space they need.

Women are taught to be constantly attuned to everyone else’s needs. We are ever vigilant to avoid making anyone else feel uncomfortable, being needy, wanting or asking too frequently, or simply being too much – whatever that means in the moment.

It’s like women have put an energetic corset on and contorted themselves into shapes and sizes that have nothing to do with who they actually are. We’ve taken on the notion that it’s inappropriate, rude and undesirable to be big, so we reflexively shrink ourselves and dim our shine.

Take a moment with the following questions to get a sense of how much room you are occupying in your life:

How much space in your home can you call your own?

How often are your needs, wants and desires being met in your professional life?

How frequently do you take yourself and your needs into consideration when making decisions?

How much space and time on your calendar do you give to yourself to do whatever you want to with?

How often are your needs, wants and desires being met in your sexual life?

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being virtually none and 10 being crippling guilt, how guilty do you feel when you spend money on yourself?

How often do you ignore or override your needs, wants and desires for the sake of others in your relationships?

How much does your concern for what other people might think of you play into your everyday decision making and actions?

How often do you apologize for taking up space? Taking “too long”? Needing something you would free give to or do for someone else without question?

When it comes to being as big, bold, beautiful and brilliant as we actually are, some of the biggest fears we have is that we will ruffle feathers, lose love, be alone, and somehow become unlovable if we take up too much space, have too many needs, or want more than what we already have.

Women are disproportionately focused on what others will think and how they are doing. And in the process of focusing our attention on others, most women aren’t paying enough attention to themselves.

Most women are underestimating, undervaluing, and disrespecting themselves in one, if not many ways.

Most women aren’t getting their very real and current needs met, let alone asking for more.

Most women are working themselves into the ground, trying with all of their might to prove their worth and lovability to others while simultaneously shrinking themselves and their needs so as to not make anyone around them uncomfortable.

Most women are shrinking themselves as a way of taking care of the people around them, and in the process they’re dimming their shine. Because it’s impossible to shine when you’re shrinking all of the time.

This gets to stop.

One of the ways we can start to shift this dynamic for ourselves is to bring awareness to it. Start to notice when and where and how often you reflexively shrink yourself – out of habit, or subtle fear, or some other pattern that you play out without even knowing it.

Once you bring awareness to something, it shifts. Subtly at first, and then more so over time. Because once you become aware of something, choice enters the picture. You can ask yourself if that is how you want to keep responding or doing something. You can start to choose something different for yourself and try a something new.

This is how we can begin and continue the work of being true to ourselves. You can choose to shrink yourself and put everyone else first… Or you can choose to take up the space that is so rightfully yours.

Whether it’s taking up space in the bedroom or the boardroom, with your kids, your partner, your friends, or in your schedule, the old dynamic of shrinking, quietly suffering and sacrificing yourself to try and keep everyone else happy gets to change.

Because you get to love and honor and cherish yourself that much.
You get to live your life for you, not just everyone around you.
You get to change this dynamic of shrinking and instead take up as much space as you need.
You get to experience and enjoy a glorious life.
You get to shine and share and contribute and set a new standard.
You get to create something amazing for yourself and those you love.
You get to do that.

You get to have that.