The last ten years have been big years for me. I’ll be honoring 10 years of sobriety in October, celebrating 10 years with the man I now call my husband, and I’ll be recognizing 15 years of self-employment (otherwise known as being an entrepreneur!). The last ten years have been about serious dedication, devotion and commitment to myself, the dreams in my heart, and to sharing my love and gifts with others.
I’ve traveled tens of thousands of miles in that time. And I’ve had outrageously good experiences all along the way. My life has been extraordinarily blessed in so many ways. And now, on the precipice of my 40th birthday I’m bumping up against some pretty profound (and sometimes ugly) stuff.
This isn’t unusual. When you’re about to make a leap forward and say a giant heartfelt “YES!” to your dreams and desires, it’s not uncommon to feel inundated by judgment, negativity and resistance. All of this static can come from the “outside”, from others who feel they need to give you their opinion (whether or not you have asked for it). But it’s my current experience that most of it, if not all of it, is actually coming from inside of me.
I’ve been really judging myself and having inner dialogues with a pretty nasty voice that feels it’s her job to tell me that I’m just want too much. She says things like, “It’s too much. You’re too much. You don’t really need that, now do you? Who needs that? Who are you to even say that you desire that? It’s too much! YOU ARE TOO MUCH!”
This voice has actually been with me for years. And since it’s been so vocal these past few weeks I’ve had time to really consider what this voice is really saying to me, and how it’s been making me feel. I have felt “victimized” by this voice. I’ve felt myself contract to everything that it’s saying to me. I’ve cried, had outbursts of anger and I’ve even thrown an adult version of a tantrum (which was a very, shall we say, interesting moment…).
What I recognize now is that this voice is doing its darnedest to protect me from how others might judge me. However, it’s also telling me I should live a life that’s not “big enough” for who I really am. The message is, “Just stay small, don’t make waves, don’t stand out, don’t ask for too much… and all will be fine.” But my heart and soul are screaming at me, telling me that it’s time for me to move beyond the protection this voice is trying to provide.
I’ve heard people say things like, “For every new level there’s a new devil.” I believe as I’m stepping into a new level in my life, this is the “devil” I’m currently being faced with. As long as I allow this voice to dictate how big my life can be, how big I can be, I won’t be living into the fullest expression of who I really am.
This just isn’t something I can do anymore.
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