Many of the women I work with long for more:

More time and space for themselves
More energy, vitality, inspiration and laughter
More adventure, romance, and swoon worthy moments
More clarity and confidence
More freedom in their finances
More enjoyment, pleasure and toe curling bliss
More laughter, spontaneity and creativity

But the struggle is real.

Trying to figure out how to have ‘more’ often feels out of reach, impossible, and downright crazy. I mean, who are you to want more? Who has that?

Wouldn’t ‘more’ just bring on a lot of overwhelm anyway?
How would you have more?
And what about your kids? Your partner? Your job? Your long list of responsibilities??

It can feel like an unsolvable puzzle to try to figure out how to be true to yourself and your longings without hurting or disappointing others.

You probably know someone who is busy pleasing herself at the expense of others (isn’t she selfish?). And you probably also know of someone who constantly pleases others at the expense of herself (isn’t she exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful?).

You’re not alone if you fall into one, or both of those categories, above. I’ve definitely bounced back and forth between feeling guilty for taking care of myself, and completely depleted when I don’t. And I’ve really struggled with finding the solution to this conundrum.

Here’s what I’ve discovered:

Ping-ponging back and forth between pleasing myself at the expense of others, and pleasing others at the expense of myself is a game that nobody wins.

Neither option feels good to anyone involved, and both are a recipe for guilt, shame, depletion and blame.

What does work is this:

1) Slow down, feel, and then, ask: In this moment, what do I need to feel good?
Maybe it’s a nap, or to walk away, or to set something aside to be resumed in a bit. Maybe you need lunch, or some water, or to go to the bathroom (am I the only one that sometimes holds it for far too long for no reason whatsoever??). Maybe you need some support, or a dance break, or a hug.

2) Then, and only then, ask: What does the other person need?
Maybe with a little time, they can figure it out on their own, or find support from someplace or someone else. Maybe once you’ve taken care of yourself, you’ll be in a better position to creatively be there for them. Maybe once your needs are met you can better see what’s really needed you can discover a way to delegate that, or invite in more support so it’s not always only coming from you.

It wasn’t until I became a mom that I began to understand that taking care of myself first – before I care for my son or answer those emails or respond to that client – is the very best thing I could do for the people I love. Otherwise I end up unconsciously making other people responsible for my health, my sanity and my happiness.

I want to be a woman who honors herself so that I can honor, care for, love and be present for others. It’s something only I can do for me. Asking someone else to do that, from my perspective, just doesn’t feel fair to them.

More often than not, I’m amazing at this. But sometimes I overextend or lose myself or I make a decision that, in the end, means I’ve abandoned myself.

But here’s the thing with learning to honor yourself: You can always come back to it and choose it again. It’s not a one-and-done kind of thing. There will be times when you’re honoring yourself like a master, and there will be times when it goes completely out the window and you find yourself burning the candle at both ends… again.

So, for a moment, just imagine what your life could look like if you honored yourself more.

Think about how you could show up differently in your life if you put yourself first more often than not.

Consider who in your life (in addition to you) would benefit.

Envision how your life would shift in amazing ways for everyone involved, if you shifted out of sacrificing yourself or others, and into honoring everyone along the way.

What beauty and power might you get to experience every day if you truly honored you?