I remember being in the hospital, focusing and believing with all of my might that I was going to make it through… while simultaneously watching my body march steadily toward multiple organ failure and death. It was a powerful moment in time when my personal will wasn’t enough to make what I wanted to happen, happen.

No matter how hard I tried to change the trajectory of my health crisis, my body still swelled with over 70lbs of water in just 4 days. My blood pressure still soared to deadly, near-stroke heights. My life, and the life of my baby, were still in serious danger.

With divine intervention and some serious spiritual advocacy (a topic for another day), I miraculously survived. But unbeknownst to me, that’s when the real work began.

I remember one evening when I was so completely exhausted that I couldn’t even walk the 12 feet from my bed to my bathroom sink to go and brush my teeth before bed. I was so desperate that I cried and cried and cried. There were many moments like that in the 5 years that followed.

Because no matter how well I followed doctor’s advice and protocols, no matter how perfectly I took my supplements, rested, ate all the right things and visualized complete and total health, my struggle to get through every single hour of every single day was painfully real for several years.

There was a mystery component to what I was healing – something beyond what my doctors were telling me and what could be tracked through both western and eastern medicine. I had to look deeper – beyond the rational, logical and linear. And I had to hold a strong faith that I was going to feel better (damnit!).

I mined every difficulty, challenge, painful moment and desperate hour for what I could learn, how I could grow, and what I could eventually share with others. Amidst that incredibly difficult time, I never gave up the task of searching for meaning, truth and value in it all.

When we find ourselves in circumstances that we cannot change, it’s normal and understandable to sink into powerlessness, depression and desperation. The thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that got us into that situation do not hold the answers to how we will find our way out of them. Instead, we have to be willing to go deeper.

This holds particularly true for those of us who hold more power and privilege in our culture.

I share this with you because now, at the start of 2021, we are collectively facing more chaos, challenge and change. As we enter into our 11^th month of this global pandemic, and the shadowy underbelly of the US gnashes its teeth and shows itself time and time again, I can’t help but return to that focus and faith that got me through one of the most painful and formidable chapters of my life.

We can let the swirling uncertainty, pain and turmoil of this time drive us into fear, doubt, anxiety, confusion and paralysis. OR we can pivot our attention and look and listen beyond the surface for the deeper meaning, truth and value in it all.

Amidst all of the chaos, challenge and change that is so pervasive today…

What are you learning about yourself?
What is being awakened and ignited inside of you?
What desires and longings are talking louder than ever?
What changes are you being invited to make?
How are you being called to grow?
What can you be grateful for?
What little or big triumph can you celebrate?
Where are you finding joy?
Who are you being asked to become?

These times are growing and changing us. That is what challenge does. We can be resistant, resentful and collapse into being victims about it all (which we might need to do for a period of time…). Or we can look beneath the surface, embrace the mystery that is here and mine this time for deeper meaning.

We can choose to meet each difficulty as it comes. We can connect deep inside with an unexplainable knowing that we are meant for these times, and they are meant for us.

As painful and tough as these times are, we can choose to fortify ourselves with what these times mean for us. We can commit to learning and growing and living right now – even when it’s painful.

Because truly living means we stay present to both the agony and the ecstasy. We choose to see the full spectrum of this human journey as something we’re here to fully experience because as we increase our capacity for discomfort, we simultaneously elevate our capacity for joy.

We can choose to LIVE and use every color in the crayon box along the way. We can choose to let this be how we discover the upside of chaos, challenge and change.