I went back and forth at least two dozen times. I’d been dreaming and intending to go to Paris for my 40^th birthday for nearly a year, and I had to make a decision. Was I going to go? Or was I going to be “responsible” and take care of the long list of pressing needs at home? I was really stuck in an inner quandary for weeks.

There was so much inner chatter about it in my mind. I was feeling really split down the middle with one part of me really longing for something I’d been desiring for over a year, and the other part telling my desires that they were just too much, and that I was too big for my britches. There were so many “things” between this trip and myself. Everyday there was a new “thing” telling me why I couldn’t or shouldn’t go.

It was a “timing thing”. We were going to be moving the week before and gallivanting off to Paris was the last thing I needed to be doing when there are boxes to unpack, a life to get organized and a business to tend to.

It was an “energy thing”. Wasn’t I going to be exhausted after moving? I should really stay home and take care of myself and be responsible about everything. That’s the right thing to do.

It was a “spoiled brat thing”. I’ve been very blessed with many opportunities for travel, education and extraordinary experiences in my life. Really, I’m just being a spoiled brat if I go on this trip, too. Why can’t I just be content with a nice dinner out with my husband for my 40^th? That would be fine…

It was an “I don’t need to go to Paris thing”. Really, no one needs to go to Paris for a birthday. I mean really, who does that? Who flies off to France and leaves all of her responsibilities behind so she can wander the streets of Paris, see a few museums and practice her rusty French?

It was a “frivolous thing”. I was just being ridiculous by wanting to do something like this. I just want too much. I need to stop wanting things like this because they aren’t practical, they don’t serve any real purpose, and they aren’t going to help my bank balance at all. I just need to hunker down and be content with what I have.

It was a “selfish thing”. In order to go I’m going to have to rearrange our moving schedule, ask someone to watch our dog, delegate business things out to my team and ask my husband to do things on his day off when I know that he wants to rest instead. I am so selfish! Look at all of the people that will have to step in to make this possible for me. I can’t ask them to do that. I should just stay home so I’m not adding to anyone else’s load in life.

I had to overcome all of these voices so that I could fulfill a deep and burning desire in my heart to do something that I felt so completely called to do, for reasons that didn’t make sense to me at all.

All I knew was that something was waiting for me in Paris, and I had to go and discover what it was. When these voices crept into my thinking and went through their long list of reasons why I couldn’t go, my mind would agree and I’d let go of the idea of going to France and just be “content” with all of the rich beauty that is already in my life. There really is so much to be grateful for.

And then two minutes, or ten minutes, or two hours later I’d be feeling an ache in my heart and an incredible sadness would almost overcome me. Before I knew it I’d be crying and feeling so confused about why this trip to Paris was so important to me.

It was actually my husband, who’d been watching me go through this roller coaster of emotions and rationalizations for weeks, who finally looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You’re going. We’re not discussing this anymore. You’re going. If you’re having such a strong emotional reaction to this, and if it’s bringing this much stuff up for you, you have to go and see what’s on the other side. You’re going. End of discussion.”

I was speechless. I felt relieved in one sense and anxious in another. He could see how important this was to me – for whatever reason – and he supported me in discovering why. I couldn’t give myself permission to go, but with the complete support of my husband who could see that Paris was about much more than I either of us could understand, I gave myself permission to go, too.

Once I committed to giving myself this experience, the magic began to unfold. Dear friends were going to be there at the same time. Plane tickets were paid for. Hotels lined up easily and effortlessly and my husband discovered vacation time from work that he didn’t know that he had. He was going to be able to join me!

So I went to Paris. I went with the intention that I was going to allow this trip to be about beauty, about receiving, and about allowing that part of myself that has been called selfish, frivolous, irresponsible, a spoiled brat, too big for her britches, ungrateful, never satisfied and high maintenance to take center stage and fully enjoy her time there for enjoyment’s sake.

My trip wasn’t about seeing all of the sights, or running myself ragged to get everything in to my itinerary so I could feel like I got my money’s worth out of my time there. It wasn’t about over-indulging in food or drink, or spending too much money. And it wasn’t about telling myself I couldn’t do things because of cost, time constrains or practicality, either.

I enjoyed my way through the streets of Paris for 9 days, and I was blessed with amazing 75°F weather the entire time I was there. I drank in the beauty of the city, the food, the language and the autumn light that danced on the buildings and gardens and every winding street. It was about fulfilling a burning desire (even if it didn’t make sense) and nourishing myself with the joie de vivre that is so much a part of the French culture.

I didn’t expect that a trip to Paris would stir up such a storm of self-judgment and torment, but it did. I didn’t expect 9 days in Paris to transform so many of my beliefs about what’s really true and important to me and that it would lead to such a reprioritization of, dare I say, everything in my life…

I wonder what could happen if every woman was committed to fulfilling her burning desires, and how different her life and the world would be if she did! I think I’ll do an experiment with myself and see.

To be continued! A suivre bientôt!